I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
