I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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