I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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