I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
