guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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