Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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