If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
