Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
