I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
