your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
