you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We are all done wearing pants today
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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