Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
