if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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