trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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