The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
