apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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