Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
