the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
