wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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