fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
