I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
