Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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