I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
