Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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