Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
