dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
