the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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