Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
