i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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