I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
