did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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