i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
