yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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