I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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