Ketchup is God's man juice
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
