so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
