I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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