Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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