Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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