I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
