I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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