A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
