So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
