Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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