I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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