hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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