Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
