have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
