just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I love having hate sex.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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