remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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