shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
