Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
