When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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