Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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