god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
