I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
