he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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