Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
