...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she smelled like a LAN party
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
