I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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